Sacrifice

Chapter Fifteen

John sat on the observation deck, hands behind his head, chair tilted back, watching the flowing, coalescing streams of colored star material flow past the ship.  It was soothing, and he felt a measure of contentment.   The slight whir of the elevator brought him out of his reverie.  Turning, he saw Maureen with two mugs in her hands.  He reached out for the one she had brought him, and held it, not particularly hungry at the moment.  She had tried to be discreet about it, but he knew that since his ordeal in the griforis city/cave, she had been extremely conscientious, almost paranoid about his meals.  He knew it disconcerted her that he had lost weight, was leaner, but he figured it must be a property of his change, because he had not lost any of his newly acquired strength. 

She pulled up a chair next to him and they watched the stellar art show together.  “How do you really feel about going to Vandir?” she suddenly asked during a quiet moment when all that could be heard was the clicking and murmuring of machinery.

Leaning over, he kissed her.  “I really never could hide anything from you, could I?” he asked.  Pausing, he took a sip from his mug before elaborating.  “I’m uncomfortable with it, although we need to go there.  We have to try to find star maps to Earth.” 

“But on Vandir, you would be reminded of your mutation,” Maureen said simply. 

John sucked in a breath of air and let it out slowly.  “Everyone on board has become used to my change and have accepted it.  Except Smith, of course.”  He chuckled.  “He probably has several stakes hidden under his pillow.  He thinks I’m going to go nuts and sneak in some night to suck him dry.”  Then he stopped chuckling.  “If it weren’t for you and the children, he’d probably be right.  I scared myself down there in the griforis’ city.  I was angry at how we had been betrayed.  I was most angry that someone had tried to hurt Will.  In my rage I grabbed him, wanting nothing more than to sink my teeth into his neck.  Thankfully, I was able to stop myself.  Going to Vandir keeps making me think of all the reasons why I wish I was back to normal; of things that worry me about the future.” 

“John, let the future worry about itself.  Hopefully we will find the star maps we need, go to Alpha Centauri and settle on Gamma.  There we will have peace.  There we will find our home.”

It was quiet again while John finished the contents of his mug and thought about their conversation.  He thought about how eternal the future was for him.  He thought about it and it didn’t comfort him.

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The last search ended as the first had.  There were no extant records of Earth, nor were there stellar maps to get there.  Nothing.  John shut off the archive computer and stared at the blank screen. 

“John, I’m sorry.  I had really hoped that we would find what you were looking for, but there was so much that was destroyed during the Vandir-ent depravities.  In the backlash of trying to control their incursions to other worlds, there were many well meaning people who thought that by destroying the records, they would protect those worlds,” Dreel explained, wishing desperately he could help his friend. 

“I was hoping for a place where I could go with my family and live in peace with them,” John said.  “Now we have to keep looking.  Keep looking among worlds where nur races might be known and treated with suspicion or hatred.  It was hard enough before, Dreel.  It will be ten times harder now.  Anytime I land on a planet, I will never know if I’m putting my family at greater risk or not.  I am a liability to them.”

“You are not a liability to them, John.  You have a wonderful family.  They are very understanding and supportive of you.”  Dreel paused and the silence lengthened and then became uncomfortable.  “But I do know what you want.”

“I can’t attain what I want, Dreel.  You told me that before,” John said, his voice filled with bitterness.

“John, there is a possibility of regaining normalcy.  I didn’t know about it until I returned.”  Dreel paused when he saw the intensity of his friend’s hope, the flash of pure joy, quickly controlled, that lit the human’s eyes.  “It is very remote, very slight and very risky.  And the doctor offering it might refuse to do it for you.”

“Doctor?”

“Yes, a Vandir doctor specializing in reversals of nur-Vandir immortality.  Do you want me to contact him?”

“Yes!” John said vehemently.

“I will set up an appointment for you to talk to him, but do me a favor first.”

“Anything!”

“Talk to Maureen and the rest of your family before you see him.”

John just stared at his nur-Vandir friend for a moment; then he nodded. 

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“Oh, John, if it’s that risky, I’d rather you not,” Maureen said, dread filling her mind.  “I can live with your change much better than I could live without you.”  The children nodded, not saying anything, their looks combinations of fear and apprehension.

“Maureen, do you remember saying something about letting the ‘future worry about itself?’” he asked.  She nodded.  “This is the future.  This is the hope that I have squelched since I made the initial decision and the change.  You tell me not to worry about the future.  I can’t help but worry about the future.  My future consists of seeing all of you grow old and dying, of living in a world alone, of wondering when, in my loneliness, I will lose control and do something hideous and depraved.  Of wondering when I will finally welcome someone with a stake in their hand.  Some of that loneliness I feel right now, in the deepest hours of the night when you are all asleep, in the day when I wake up alone.  I feel it when I see fear in the eyes of others after they have found out what I am.  Maureen, I have to at least talk to this doctor.”

Maureen lowered her head and looked at the deck through the blur of her tears.  Fear almost blinded her, but she knew he was right.  No matter how dangerous, she was going to have to let him try to return to normalcy.  She regained partial control of her emotions, looked up and nodded.  When he grabbed her and hugged her fiercely, she felt very little consolation.

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Maureen watched the diagnostics and regulators that surrounded John’s bed, but mostly she watched his chest rise and fall.  The day the doctor had taken John off the respirator and he had breathed on his own, she had rejoiced.  That was four days ago.  Now she laid her hand on his cheek, but he was unresponsive.  It had been a week since the procedure that was supposed to return him to normal had been accomplished, and she was worried that he had not regained consciousness.  For seven days, she had stayed by John’s bedside... seven long, desperate, nerve-wracking days.

The soft whooshing of the door startled her out of her reverie, and Maureen turned to see the Vandir doctor approaching.  “I have good news, Mrs. Robinson,” he said.  She looked up at him in anticipation.  “All the preliminary tests show a positive on blood marrow production.  His body is building its own blood supply now.”

“That’s wonderful, but when will he wake up, Doctor?” Maureen asked, unable to mask the weariness and despair in her voice.  

Pulling up a chair and sitting down near her, the Vandir doctor looked over at his patient and then back at her.  “Mrs. Robinson, when I was approached to do this procedure, I wanted to say no.  We have had no direct contact with Earth for over a hundred and fifty years and I know that the records on how to get there don’t even exist anymore. Anyway, I had never dealt with a human being before, but I saw how miserable John was.  My field, as you know, is in nur-Vandir physiology and psychology, and I could see that he would never totally adapt to nur-Vandir immortality.  It would eventually drive him insane.

“I was terrified of failure and that was a distinct possibility, because I had no background in dealing with your people, except old writings.  Those were less than useless.  That is why I ran innumerable tests on you and your children, and that is all I had to go by to restore John to mortality, to normalcy.  Even now, I cannot begin to explain all the nuances of human physiology. 

“I can tell you that everything went way beyond my greatest hopes and he is doing well.  I believe I had mentioned to you that sedation was administered because our diagnostics picked up indications of pain.  That may be the reason for the delay in his return to consciousness.  The sedatives should be out of his system by now, but again; some aspects of your human physiology baffle me.  I really can’t tell you when he’ll wake up,” the doctor said. 

“I’m grateful for what you’ve done.  I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have dumped my feelings in your lap.  You’ve done a marvelous job.  Thank you,” Maureen said to him as she absently rubbed her husband’s hand.  The Vandir just smiled and nodded his understanding.

“For what it’s worth, I believe he will wake up fairly soon,” he added.  Maureen smiled in gratitude as he got up and left.

She stood up, stretched, walked around the room and then sat back down in the chair next to his bed.   The endless hours of waiting and praying had taken their toll.  She had only slept sporadically, and she was totally exhausted.  Leaning forward, Maureen lay her head on the bed next to his hand and quickly fell into a troubled sleep.

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Wading through a foggy mist of darkness and pain, John felt like a lost soul.  Every muscle and joint in his body seemed to be stiff and aching.  Trying to understand what had happened was an effort; his thought processes seemed mired in molasses.  Finally, he was able to open his eyes, and he looked around him without turning his head.  Signals of things other than discomfort began filtering into his brain, and he was aware of Maureen near his bed.

John also noted airflow into and out of his lungs and the beating of his own heart, and he wondered why that seemed so significant to him.  Then memories of the recent past began to drift into his consciousness.  Looking down at Maureen, he smiled and began stiffly moving his hand toward her head.  She was asleep or resting, and John wondered how long he had been here. 

At his touch, she murmured and stirred slightly.  “Oh, John.  That feels so good.  Do that some more.”

“Of course, my love,” he said hoarsely.  His voice felt as though it had been unused for quite some time.  His fingers made their way through the disheveled red locks, and then suddenly fell away as she jerked up in wakefulness and stared into his face.

“John!  You’re awake!  Oh, John, you’re back!  I love you,” she exclaimed, and then hugged him and smothered him with kisses.  He ached too much to reciprocate, but he enjoyed her attention nonetheless.

Finally, she backed away from him a little and took his hand.  He curled his fingers around hers, enjoying the warmth of her touch.  “John, how do you feel?”

He took a few moments to consider her question.  His thinking seemed too sluggish.  Finally he said, “Wonderful, Maureen.  It’s so good to be back to normal.” 

“The doctor said that you had been in some pain.  Are you comfortable right now?” she asked, concerned.

The cobwebs were rapidly disappearing from his mind and he only hesitated slightly before answering.  “Other than feeling as though I’ve been hit by a bus and run over a few times by the Robot, I’m comfortable enough.”  His stomach growled a little and he considered that for a moment, too.  “I’m hungry, too,” he added casually.

Maureen just looked at him with a whimsical smile and asked, “What would you like me to have them bring up for dinner?”  

Suddenly John realized the significance of what he was experiencing and he began to chuckle.  “What a wonderful feeling; to be hungry for the taste, the feel, the smell of real food.  Hmm, how about a steak, medium, with sautéed onions and mushrooms, and a baked potato, plenty of sour cream and chives, and a tossed salad on the side.”

“John, you realize this is a hospital, don’t you,” Maureen pointed out, laughing.

“Then tell them to order out.  That’s what sounds good to me right now,” he said dryly.

“Well, as long as we are being optimistic here, you might as well order dessert.” 

“I’ll let them off the hook on that one.  I want you for dessert,” he said huskily, and grabbing her hand, pulled her close to him and gave her the passionate kiss that he had been wanting to give her for some time.  Mortality was wonderful.  Life was wonderful and he had much for which he was grateful.   

The End